well, here we are.

2023-02-10

removing myself from the realm of social media, culling all of my daily streaks. preparing for my departure, to say the least. poignant that, for some time, i treated my daily snapchat streaks as a bulwark against my suicidal ideation. the loose (and misguided) ideology that my lack of a daily "check-in" would signify to my "friends" that something is "wrong". this has proven to be agonizingly fruitless. multiple endeavors, spanning multiple years each, amounting to nearly nothing. several, several-thousand day feats (one 2000+, and several 1000+).

this is the way a world ends.
not with a bang but a whimper.

brutally reminded with each passing interaction, that i am not understood. people do not care to understand nor engage. i am left viscerally alone, tormented by my traumatic past, exhausting present, and dwindling future. one of my therapists tells me that i have a level of awareness and emotional depth that is difficult to find in peers of my age. he's right. i've always felt more understood by the adults in my life: teachers, instructors, directors, counselors... although even those connections are few and far between. those types of relationships are difficult to maintain, let alone find, due to the widening social gap between myself and those my senior.

2023-02-08

told my manager and my other therapist that i'm contemplating suicide. that didn't really go anywhere, and i am left feeling worse. "i have come to accept that there are some people who will eventually take their lives no matter what. this is a reality that i must live with." "i just want to be with you, and help you feel understood for as long as you choose to live."

2023-02-06

giving up on this as i have given up on everything else. see you in a couple weeks. otherwise, bye.

2023-01-25

what a depressingly vapid session with my other therapist today. holy fucking shit lmao. every single week i come away with "it's complicated", "it's going to take a lot of time in session", "it's hard to do with only meeting once a week", and "i can't say what work there is to do other than coming to session and being aware of your feelings". like fuck dude. i feel like you're playing a single-player game where i'm an NPC. frustrating and depressing. unfortunately this therapist is also my psych, in that he prescribes me my antidepressants. maybe i won't need those for much longer. stephanie said that i could probably get my primary care provider to take over the prescription, but idk. i don't think i really care at this point. a recurring theme.

another successful trip to the dentist. in contexts like that, with an apparatus in my mouth, it's nice to be talked at. i cannot speak in my response, but i will still make some affirmative "mhm"s and laughs.

2023-01-24

less than 1 month away

my attention has been drifting to other matters, away from this project of mine. as it so often does, with everything else in my life. i dunno. part of me wants to write at length about the past, some of me wants to write about the present, and there isn't much future to write about. but none of that seems to matter. nobody is reading this when it matters. stuck between my aversion to draw attention to myself, and my desire to be understood. i am considering to attend a group therapy session to work through the feelings and experiences that i have endured. but that still does not feel like it will do very much for me.

i hope to at least chronicle some of the experiences which i carry with me. many of which remain unspoken. but that necessarily requires me to unleash a nonzero amount of trauma from the underbelly of my memories. idontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcare trapped within my thoughts. reaping the consequences of that which i have previously sown. these are pointless observations and idioms, as i convey little-to-no information about my actual experiences.

fuck i forgot to take my antidepressant earlier today.

2023-01-15

well... i have unfortunately missed some days recently. i had temporarily convinced myself that this was a sign of things getting better—that i was abstaining from cataloguing my emotional affliction because i had nothing to complain about. this is simply not the case. i continue to feel increasingly alone. i have so very little desire to interact with anyone. finding it difficult to exist at home. it feels like i might as well live alone, if my roommate is almost exclusively going to spend time gaming online with his high school friends. someone he had previously lived with, told me that this was usually the case. i had an idea of what he meant, but i did not realize the impact that it would have on my mental and existential health.

i cleared off some of my desk today. that felt nice. i feel incapable of putting my thoughts into word at this point in time. typing feels like taking a rake to a driveway covered in ice. morbidly depressed. mortally depressed. i am trying to talk less about myself, and to share less about my emotional experience. this is toward the end of "allowing people more time to understand me at a comfortable pace". at least this is the notion that has been proffered to me by one of my therapists. i dunno... i think that this is a self-impinging way of shutting me out of even more social interaction. lio keeps pointing out how long i talk for (like i speak for long, contiguous blocks of time. paragraphs at a time, even).

the more i read about the psychological ramifications of particular, emotionally neglectful upbringings, i am reminded of my own. i read some of my personal journal entries from grade 7, and i remembered countless emotional trials and tribulations that i faced at home. so many that i had repressed deep into the thicket of my memories. instances of my mother being completely absent, my father being physically abusive, both of them ignoring and mocking me for attempting to communicate my boundaries. i need to close my door more often. i am running out of space to have thoughts.

2023-01-10

today was very strange. my brain has felt unspooled. an unknowable variety of individual strands, hopelessly scatter about the floor. i spoke candidly about my thoughts of suicide with my therapist today. that was a very dense session. since we have been meeting for two hours at a time, it has felt like we've had tremendously engaged and deep conversations. i feel like i am slowly making progress on myself, in that regard. nevertheless, i am foundationally exhausted. my main energy depleted years ago, and my reserves long past "running on fumes". my therapist is aware of this looming date of an albatross, hung around my neck. terror at the thought of uprooting myself, in any regard, in order to "deal with this" in a isolative fashion. e.g. removing myself from any of my active bands, removing myself from work, or removing myself from any of my other goings-on. for now, i continue my attempt to (1) eat at least twice a day, (2) sleep at all, (3) go outside, and (4) talk to people. each of these pillars are bundled with their own trials and tribulations. for now, i try to continue onward.

so intensely and profoundly alone. it seems that all of my endeavors lead me away from any sort of connection with others. or, perhaps my depression is becoming so pervasive that i am being prevented from sustaining any relationships. in either case... i don't know how much longer i can go on like this. trying to find people that understand me, a challenge akin to rolling a boulder up a hill.

2023-01-09

missed a day yesterday, but that's okay. can't win them all. we had basketball band rehearsal, and that was nice. fun to play music with other people. frankly the prospect and experience of making music with other people—not even performing—is one of the (vanishingly) few things that i am interested in doing. i have lost the lust for most everything else, it seems.

it genuinely feels like there is some scale that is active in my sub/conscious thought: one side contemplates suicide, and the other side accrues future events which discourage me from the former option. it's unclear to me if the weight of both sides is consistent, e.g. whether the lean towards suicide remains a constant value or if the other side loses any weight as time unfolds. does

i look around my room and am astonished with the unbridled maximalism on display. a plethora of things overwhelms me both physically and mentally. trapped by my own existence (hoisted by my own petard). ... now that is a fucking way to succinctly describe nearly every aspect of my life. i can't help it! it feels like a compulsion! and naturally this leads to my own inconsistencies and misses. which perpetuates this downward spiral of self-admonishment and deep depression.

[...] as time unfolds. does value(?) of future events fluctuate over time? i think it must, especially in response to any future event which is relevant. for example, [i have been staring at this blinking cursor for several minutes, without a single typed word. i feel like my thoughts are trudging through thick quicksand.]

i am trembling... perhaps i am just physically cold at the moment.

for example,

i took a break from typing, because i was becoming physically rattled. i've been replying to some text messages, and a thought just occurred to me: how many people are tacitly roped into the apple ecosystem via imessage? i think this is a multi-faceted question. how many people use apple devices mostly because a majority of their peers use imessage instead of SMS? what is the range of opinions that people possess about entrusting their written communication with a single monolithic entity such as apple? do people grow stop caring over time because there is nothing to do about it, thereby making it a less frequent discussion topic across the population? in turn, does that eventually occlude this reality from future generations to come, if we're not actively—and increasingly—working on this idea? musings which i unfortunately do not have the time nor capacity to entertain, at this moment.

...as time unfolds, does value(?) of future events fluctuate over time? i think it must, especially in response to any future event which is relevant. for example, i have been awaiting the conclusion of a particular federal trial for nearly 5 years now. [taking another brief break]

at this point it feels like subconscious, calculated avoidance of the task at hand.

i have been minding a particular court case, for nearly five years now. this case pertains to the events surround my mother's death. namely, the accusation that this particular individual executed these actions which resulted in her death. there is such a passive tone to the entire nature of these proceedings. this is not to say that i wish things were active or even belligerent.

my mother's death was in may 2018, and an entire year lapsed before the initially (and only temporarily) detained suspect was formally charged with these indictments. the trial was supposed to take place that summer, but there was an early request to have an atypically long trial. the prosecutors requested 21 trial days, which does not include deliberation. my understanding is that this is due to the overwhelming amount of data and evidence, as well as the complexity of the case. the latter topic is a complete issue and a half, unto itself. i will try to talk about that sometime in the near future.

nevertheless, this trial did not take place in the summer of 2019. it was delayed an agonizing number of times:

wow... it's 4am now. i can't believe i just spent 5 hours hyperfixated on building that ⬆ instead of actually writing about my feelings. maybe next time, or maybe i will come back and add to this post. i definitely should probably redact all the unnecessary context. i don't want the fbi/doj to yell at me. update (5am): i stayed up a little later to redact any addresses, names, or phone numbers, so i can post this with a little peace of mind before "going to bed."

2023-01-07

walked around for a bit before it started raining today. that was quite nice. i ran into roger at a coffee shop, which was a pleasant surprise. it's an incredible feeling for me to leave a conversation feeling better than how i started. more often than not, conversations take quite a bit of energy for me to mask and carry through. i got a polarity reverser or something for this keyboard i picked up, and now that's working too. so that will be interesting to noodle on for the remaining future.

there is a deep competitive urge that i feel in so many aspects of life. one reason that i think this is the case is because of how i was socialized as a child. for years i was forbidden from interacting with classmates outside of school. my weekends contained a ritual wherein my cousins would play competitive games with each other while their parents socialized around dinner. i feel this constant need to compete and have some sort of concrete feedback. for example, the rank in a competitive game. this is why i play games such as league of legends, osu!, rocket league, neon white, etc. there is some digital value associated with my performance; the big number makes my brain go brrr... 😌

my fingers and hands are getting dry in the cold. it reminds me of how my maternal grandmother's hands would get dry. come to think of it, the shape(?) of my fingers seem vaguely similar as well. this is a strange realization.

although it is now sunday, jan 8, as i write this, i will continue this text in the entry for 2023-01-07. i have not broken my conscious continuity with a period of sleep, so this still feels like "saturday" to me, in a way.

i fixed the vertical align for the horizontal rule. now it looks quite nice and centered. it's the little things that are able to give me morsels of joy. putting this website together is a fun exercise in routine, writing, web design, and cetera.

finding it increasingly difficult to eat or sleep on a regular schedule. things like this come and go, without much thought crossing my mind. i am gently jostled by the dizzying march of time. days turn into weeks, and weeks into months. yet i still grasp on to a fleeting sense of presence. both of time and of self. more and more, i feel like my sense of present time is crumbling and giving way to anxieties of the future or regrets of the past. likewise, i often lose track of my physical experience. this makes sense: much of what i do is to avoid the reality that i animate a large sack of muscle, bones, and a variety of organs.

this reality never escapes me, though. permanently and constantly reminded that i have some corporeal existence is mental burden. i have absolutely no desire whatsoever of caring for my bodily vessel. if possible, it would be preferable to occupy no space but to still live as some entity. no physical appearance to worry about, no responsibility to be physically present... as of yet, i feel duty-bound to remain extant. who this directive serves, i cannot say. cause it sure ain't me. i'm just hear for the ride, until it's time for me to disembark.

unfortunately, i haven't really been writing in my journal since i've been making these pages. i intend for this to be a standalone collection of my thoughts, and not a substitute for my journal. however, i am making some sacrifices to get these thoughts down onto some persistent medium. my journals probably provide a slightly more detailed elaboration of my life experience, though it is far from complete. there is far too much going on in my mental and emotional processing for me to write everything down. i do not write down everything that is on my mind. sometimes that is unnecessary, given the nature of the thought. for a while, i refrained from writing these kinds of thoughts here. but i am at a point where i believe this is somewhat my due diligence, to record my pertinent thoughts and feelings. perhaps this will shed some light on my live experience.

2023-01-06

need to figure out how to pipeline and streamline all my shit for this. i seriously cannot be typing this into a text editor and then manually copy and pasting each day. unfortunately i have little motivation at all to learn new tech things. i feel so fucking burnt out from computer. each and every day this is all i do, this is all everyone around me does. people relish in it, want to see this become more of their waking lives. i am haunted by it.

2023-01-05

holy shit lmao. i was still high when that recruiter called, so i forgot to expect a call. i didn't say anything when i picked up, because i thought it was a spam call. there was just silence until the recruiter said something. ahahaha maybe it's time for a break for a bit. we'll see

absolutely no desire to do anything at all. i feel devoid of interest and will, and all i can bring myself to do is occasionally eat snacks while pinging away at the dopamine feeds on the internet. perhaps this is a sign that my executive function is so deeply shot. it feels as though i am in a negative feedback loop. just stress eating overprocessed cookie-like snacks until i die. perhaps that is how the rest of my life will be spent.

feeling like i have no one who really understand what is going on in my head, and how it is affecting me. i hit some nitrous a moment ago, hoping that i could hold my breath until i pass out. i could feel my sympathetic nervous system kicking into response. forcing myself to avoid breathing, while my body was compelled to keep my alive.

people are more than content to just let things slip by, without any genuine, personal curiosity or investigation. conversations are so vapid that i can say so many things that go unnoticed, because nobody is paying that much attention to what everyone else is saying. this used to be a fun thing to do, see what random things i can say audibly without actually being heard. now this is just another source of my suffocating depression.

the thought of working any more just makes me wants to unalive. i'm so fucking fatigued and drained from everything. i don't even get recharge from any of my social interactions anymore. everything comes at a cost, and the price is my vanishing sanity. people say they care, but that feels so difficult to believe. i feel like i am just screaming into a void, something hearing my own echo in return.

i just want to cry. i want to bawl my eyes out. i want to actually scream. this simply does not feel like an option to me. i don't have the time, i tell myself. this is akin to an incantation, affording me another brief respite from the soul crushing drag of my emotional weight. i understand that these are not thoughts that will ever part with me, but i sincerely do not think that i want to live a life where this is just some part of me that i must carry. i am stymied in any effort to sincerely talk about suicide as an option. this feels like an unfortunate social taboo that people must grapple with, for the rest of their respective lifetimes. that is more horrifying than death itself, in my opinion. i feel like camus' "the myth of sisyphus" has something to say about all this, but i wouldn't know. i don't read that much. i tried reading that book, and it was too abstract and dense with (personally) meaningless references.

i need to get a better way of managing the colors and keeping to a cohesive color palette. for now, this #111 background and soft pink background will do.. i should also get a better way of updating this website. i am not particularly fond of typing directly into a local (to my own machine) file, and then manually copying and pasting into the file on my host server. but for now this will work.

struggling to think of ways to not feel so unbearably alone. i do not feel like i can talk to anyone sincerely and deeply, and expect them to listen and really understand what i am trying to convey. so many of my conversations nowadays are vapor: visually, there is something there. substantively, a fleeting sense of presence.

no desire to do work.
no desire to pursue my interests.
no desire to talk to people.
no desire to be known.
no desire to improve.

i have a headache from probably not eating or drinking or sleeping enough lately.

2023-01-04

well here i am. i am finally using this domain. too bad that this is just going to be a place where i dump insane thoughts. i am really just going to do this as an exercise in typing and dumping my brain i think. this is beyond journaling. journaling is something that is intentional, as least a little bit. this is just going to be loose thoughts that are spilling out of my head.

i am a fan of aligning content text all the way to the left, but maintaining the indentation pattern of the meta-structure of html pages. it doesn't make a different in the end result, but it makes it nice for me to look at. and i think that that is valuable, to know that something makes one feel better about a process. this principle only helps up to a certain point. rumination can distract oneself from so much, for so long.